No, this post is not about zombies. It’s about me and my general outlook on the world of late, which is, in a word, dreadful. I feel like I am moving through my days only half-present, at best, and more often than not I am delirious with general exhaustion, fatigue, and an indescribable need to devour brains.
Ok, so maybe this is about zombies.
(No. Not really.)
In the last 4 months I have accomplished an insane amount of stuff from the Stressful Life Things list. And, zombie-like days aside, I have managed to live the tale and even come up for air for a minute, although do not expect this Writing About Life And Feelings And Stuff to be a thrice-weekly occurrence; you will be sorely disappointed.
In no particular order, the main bullets of my life, since July:
1. Painted half of the rooms–and ceilings–in my apartment, transforming an increasingly bilious yellow-brown-gray box into a soothing gray with white ceilings (bedroom, hallway, bathroom) and pale grayish-greenish-blue with white ceilings (dining room). I added new art and gallery walls, made a headboard–my first in over a decade–and DIY’d the crap out of some light fixtures. I took before and during and after shots, with the best of intentions, all of which are still sitting there happily on my SD card.
2. Been offered and accepted a promotion at work which comes with a nice little raise and an enormous change in duties and responsibilities. Without getting too personal, I am now a Program Manager and am loving the freedom, thinking, and creativity that comes from creating a program from scratch and implementing it on a state-wide level. This is something I have been actively working towards for over 18 months, and I am beyond thrilled and also generally overwhelmed with my new position. It took about 8 weeks to hire my replacement, and another month to get her trained up to a point where I can attack my own To Do lists. I have worked a LOT of 12 and 13 and 14 hours days in the last few months trying to stay on top of everything.
3. As part of my job(s) I both planned and executed a professional development conference for 600 people, and 10 days later ran a 2-day training for another 175 people on a completely difference program.
4. For the 9th year in a row I have coached a competitive high school Shakespeare team (yes, it’s a thing) and costumed about 50 teenagers so they looked like the childhood pub pals of King Henry V, among other characters.
5. I have visited Phoenix (family) and Denver (fun) and Chicago (family/fun) and have hundreds of pictures to sort through.
6. I have decided on and started my application for a Master’s program, that I will begin next fall at the University.
7. Lastly, and this is definitely the biggest change of late, Blue Eyes has accepted a new position over 700 miles away and for the last month we have been–again–doing the long distance relationship thing. At this point we will be in a commuter marriage for about 3 years, until I finish my Master’s program. I am, generally, a weepy mess about this development, but I try and put on a good face and go to work and talk on the phone and answer (work) emails, because I do not have the luxury of running away from the rest of my life while I process what this enormous change will mean for me, for him, and for us.
In the meantime, I have responded to practically zero emails, voice-mails, and a half-dozen (or more) requests for help, or company, or whatever. And, to be honest, I don’t really feel all that terrible about it. I’ve been hunkered down trying to remember how to breathe, with various success rates, depending on the day. Yes, I’m talking to a therapist. Yes, I’m taking medication. Yes, I am “making time” for myself. Yes, I’m in a state of general denial. Yes, I know I won’t be in this place forever, but most of the time it feels that way right now, and my therapist says that’s pretty normal.