Category Archives: Writing

write, edit, rewrite, delete, write, rewrite, delete, write, edit, rewrite, delete.

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San Francisco2_feistyharriet

[write, write, write] there! a post about anxiety.

….hm….nope, too vulnerable, can’t do it. [delete, delete, delete.]

…..[think…think…think…] !!!!!

[write, write, write!] there! a post about not feeling so alone!

…. except…no. not working. at all. [delete, delete, delete.]

….. [think…think] a ha! a new idea!

…. [writey-write-write-tappity-tap-tap…. delete, delete, delete.] all my ideas are terrible.

……hmmmm….what if….?

[writewriteEDITwrite!!] ok! a post about doing it for the process! perfect!

[review]…..meh….no….nope, nope, nope.

[delete, delete, delete, delete, DELETE!]

…..[think…… think….. THINK DAMMIT! THINK!….]

….nope. no thoughts.

sigh. why is this sometimes so easy, and sometimes so ridiculously hard?!

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Moments on the North Rim of the Grand Canyon

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Grand Canyon North Rim_feistyharriet_October 2015 (4)

You know those moments, the ones full of wonder and awe? The moments when you feel both incredibly small and remarkably lucky to see and experience and know the things you do? I know many people feel those moments often with their children, I know I do sometimes with brand new babies or a particularly delightful moment with a niece, nephew, or one of my stepkids. More often than not, however, I feel those moments in the great outdoors, exploring mountains and wild places where it is quiet and full of the Great Everything.

On one of the many trips between Salt Lake and Arizona last year I stopped at the Grand Canyon and watched a storm roll over the canyons and ridges. It was mostly quiet, a few off-season tourists, and I could smell the rain and feel the strength of the storm in the wind.

It was one of the most delightful moments, the kind that fill you up to your brim and let all the heart-healing goodness slop down your sides. Sometimes I forget how much I desperately need moments like that, the ones that heal your soul and give you a little push in the right direction. Whether those moments are with mountains or babies I want to actively seek those opportunities this year.

Grand Canyon North Rim_feistyharriet_October 2015 (7)

And if that means a solo trip back to a lonely spot in the Grand Canyon, so be it.

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Four months vs one week

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I know you “aren’t supposed” to talk about how busy you are and blah blah blah. I get it. But I’m gonna talk about it anyway.

My job is pretty cyclical, and mostly tied to the academic year. So “back to school” time–you know, back in August when I basically stopped writing here/doing anything else–was when life got super crazy in general, and then mid-September was a huge conference that I planned entirely and also presented at on two different topics. Seven hundred and fifty attendees, ya’ll! High school, middle school, and elementary school counselors coming for a day of professional development and workshops on helping underserved students (including students of color, low income students, minority students, and first generation students) and their families become college and career ready. This conference was almost twice as big as it was last year, and the sheer numbers were completely staggering.

Immediately following this event I launched the state-wide program that I manage, complete with a fair amount of traveling to trainings around the state, spreadsheets and documents being constantly updated, coordination with media and our ad agency for state-wide promotion, interviews and site visits. It is a ton of work and an even larger amount of satisfaction.

Somewhere in the middle of all of this I painted the rest of our house in Arizona and designed and supervised costume construction for a competitive Shakespearean team comprised of 50+ high school students (who ended up taking home all sorts of trophies). I squeezed in a trip to see my younger sister in Chicago, and a few little weekend jaunts to love on Nature a bit.

Starting in earnest in about mid-October, I began packing up my entire apartment. Ten thousand books (an approximation), a hundred pairs of shoes, and ten years of my life living in my lovely neighborhood.  The Saturday before Thanksgiving a dozen of my very favorite people showed up to help load all those boxes and bookshelves onto a rented moving truck. Blue Eyes and I left that afternoon and spent 2 days driving to Arizona–a loaded truck tops out at about 38 mph going up mountain passes and plateaus. I then spent 2 days unloading and unpacking like a crazy person, organizing books and setting up rooms to be cozy and homey.

And then, you know, we turned right around and drove back to Salt Lake for Thanksgiving dinner. I’m here for another week to wrap up stuff in my office and then my houseplants and I will make the drive south and become Arizona residents.

Looking back on this, I don’t really know how 4 or 5 paragraphs can truly describe the levels of stress and anxiety I’ve been under since July. In many ways I’ve had to force myself not to think about it because I did not have the time to be overwhelmed. I had to put my head down and plow through. I’ve been plowing a long time, and I’m exhausted.

One more week.

 

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The best of times, the worst of times: I'm there

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Have you ever been hit with a sudden, overwhelming sense of happiness? Can you pinpoint what person or event triggered the rush of endorphins? For me, it seems that it takes hitting a super rock-bottom low with ugly sobs followed by a few days of increasing positivity for me to really hit the natural high of so-happy-you’re-crying.

I’m there. And yes, I cry a lot. Whatever.

This all started about a week ago when I started packing up some boxes for Mr. Blue Eyes to take to our new house in Arizona. The idea of leaving this place, my home, was suddenly very very real. And it was heartbreaking. I sat on the floor and cried. And cried. And cried.

Home_FeistyHarriet_June2015

Now, I am not rejecting the idea of actually living with my spouse, that all sounds lovely. But I am in deep mourning for leaving this place; the city that sheltered me after a really terrible divorce, the neighborhood that has been a tangible comfort to me when I’m stressed, the friends who are my people, and the physical walls of an apartment where I became an adult. I am far more attached and invested in this little space of mine than I am in the house of my childhood. FAR more. Often times the idea of driving away from this oasis of happy and comfort leaves a physical ache in my heart.

Packing and labeling boxes, stacking them up and seeing that tangible tower of “you are leaving this place” sent me into a tailspin. A million thanks to my sweet friend D for stopping in to check on me (you know, after I didn’t answer phone calls or texts for a day and a half; see: tailspin). She invited me to go on a hike, and that was the beginning of my upswing.

Canyon Creek_feistyharriet_June 2015

Hiking a pretty low-key trail with two dear friends and their chattering 3-month old was so good for my soul. The sights and smells of my beloved mountains calmed and soothed my aching heart and watching the sun streak my sky in orange and magenta and gold felt like God was giving me gentle hair pats, telling me it would all be okay.

Desolation Trail Sunset_feistyharriet_June 2015

A day or two later, several hours spent with my oil paints and an audiobook brought me back to my happy place.

Sunday evening was spent with family, not my own siblings, but close enough. I have the same hands as my aunt, the same eyes as one cousin, the same feet as another, and my uncle called me by my childhood nickname the entire evening. There was no anxiety, no passive-aggressive comments, lots of laughing and giggling and jokes, and as much cookie dough as I wanted.

Mr. Blue Eyes will be here this weekend to remove the packed-up-boxes situation and I’m sure a few days snuggling him and laughing with him and just being together. I feel like so much of my life is in this extended period of uncomfortable limbo. Part of me wishes I could just quit my job and move next week, just rip off the band-aid. The other part of me is so grateful for these last few months of savoring my life and friends and experiences here, slowly saying goodbye. The truth is, both are hard, and I’m sure I will continue to have these emotional swings, both until and after I leave.

But, hopefully, I won’t have to pack up any more boxes until December when I actually move.

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My life so far: a different kind of bucket list

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This week I was thinking about bucket lists, lists for life, and while I was putting my own together it occurred to me that I probably have an enormous “already accomplished” list. Despite my lack of an overly stamped passport or nuanced social media feed, my 32 years have not been without adventure and accomplishment. Sometimes it’s easy to forget that, so here are the highlights, in list form because that’s how I roll.

Travel

  • Visit 41 states (another on the agenda for later this year)
  • Visit 14 National Parks (two more on the docket for this year)
  • Go on a cruise
  • Drive all the way across the country
  • Swim in the Pacific and the Atlantic oceans
  • Walk the Golden Gate bridge
  • Visit Niagara Falls
  • Solo long-distance road trip (a bunch, not a big deal)
  • Multi-day motorcycle trip

Adventure

  • Ride on a mechanical bull
  • Earn SCUBA certification
  • Ride in a hot air balloon
  • Visit an active volcano (Hawaii’s Kilauea)
  • Scuba dive in an ancient collapsed volcano/caldera
  • Go snowmobiling
  • Go snow shoeing
  • Go snow skiing
  • Go water skiing
  • Stay in a yurt
  • Climb a mountain (several, big ones)
  • Go rock climbing
  • Eat escargot / oysters / bison / alligator / ostrich
  • White water rafting
  • Fish in the ocean (with actual octopus as bait, ew)
  • Geocaching
  • Sail on Lake Michigan
  • Learn to handle and shoot a gun
  • Do a somersault / cartwheel / back flip / front flip
  • Attend a Holi Festival of Colors celebration (the largest in the Western Hemisphere, btw)
  • Run a 5k / 10k

Spiritual Enlightenment

  • Make a religious pilgrimage
  • Read the Old Testament
  • Read the New Testament
  • Read the Koran
  • Read The Book of Mormon
  • Forgive those who have deeply hurt me
  • Volunteer at a homeless shelter
  • Donate money to charity
  • Befriend a stranger (Hi, strangers!)
  • Buy a meal anonymously for someone

Personal Growth & Continuing Education

  • Fall in love
  • Elope (tell no one for months)
  • Be a mentor to someone
  • Learn to read music
  • Learn to play the piano (since I was 5ish, I can sight read most things)
  • Learn how to operate a DSLR camera, not in “manual” mode
  • Learn how to paint with oils
  • Read classic works in literature and politics
  • Speak in public to a crowd
  • Impromptu public speaking
  • Act in a play
  • Direct a play
  • Participate in community theater (as an actor and as a director)
  • Receive a standing ovation (not necessarily related to any of the above)
  • Volunteer with teenagers
  • Be interviewed by a major news station regarding something I’m passionate about (ages 12 and 31)
  • Learn to play chess
  • Learn American Sign Language
  • Learn to knit / crochet / sew
  • Read a jillion books on a thousand subjects

Life Things

  • Meet someone famous (Daniel Craig, Hugh Jackman–he called me a sweetheart!!–Chris Noth, Robert Redford)
  • Have the Bare Naked Ladies sing me “Happy Birthday” (age 19, woot!)
  • Attend a live Olympic event (Salt Lake, 2002)
  • Volunteer at the Olympics (Salt Lake, 2002)
  • Try eating vegetarian for an extended period of time (meh)
  • Gamble in Vegas (I won like $3.75)
  • Play the lottery (didn’t win anything)
  • Grow vegetables in a garden
  • Attend a major rivalry sporting event (meh)
  • Take ballroom dancing lessons
  • Bonfire on the beach / in the desert
  • Sleep on a trampoline
  • Keep a plant alive for more than a year
  • Ride a horse in the mountains
  • Watch the sunrise / sunset
  • Walk in the rain
  • Run on a beach barefoot
  • Go to a movie / dinner by yourself
  • Witness a solar / lunar eclipse
  • Sleep under the stars
  • Box seats at a sporting event (it’s the only way to attend a sporting event, really)
  • Season tickets to the symphony (not always, but once)
  • Attend a professional Broadway show (many, many times)
  • Make a gingerbread house from scratch (no hot glue, no graham crackers, no kit)
  • Pay off student loan

Sometimes it’s easy to think that you have missed out on X, Y, or Z. I find this especially the case after looking at some kind of social media where a friend, acquaintance, or total stranger has part of the life I thought I always wanted. It’s easy to forget that someone’s travel photos, or pics of their darling (clean, happy) children, or a status about a major adventure is not their entire life. They all have the hard, rotten days as well. And it’s also sometimes easy to forget that your experiences that did not make it onto social media for comments and hearts are also valid and worthwhile and have shaped who you are as a person.

What is on your Already Completed Bucket List? What are some of the best experiences of your life? What days are seared into your brain, what months and years changed the trajectory of your life or reshaped a goal or direction?

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