Love, Actually

After a week in the mountains of Montana with very little cell or internet service, I was greeted with a rough re-entry yesterday as I read report after report of the Orlando, Florida domestic terrorist attack on the gay community, interspersed with thousands of words on the Brock Turner/Stanford rapist trial and sentencing.

My heart physically ached, both for the victims and for society at large. This is our America.

I come from a religiously conservative place and the majority of my family still clings to a “Christian” idea that The Gays are destroying families and tearing the country apart, most still have not accepted Obergefell vs. Hodges ruling legalizing gay marriage nation-wide. Some are actively campaigning to repeal that ruling and do so in the name of God, or of Family, or whatever. To be fair, some have made the leap from this narrow-minded un-Christian viewpoint to a more tolerant stance, and a very few have stepped up to the activist level of fighting for equality among hetero and homosexual humans. Very few.

Likewise, the vast majority of my family and hometown community vehemently boycotted and opposed Target and other retailers over their non-discriminatory bathroom policies, claiming knightly ideals of protecting women and children and ignoring underlying transphobia, hatred, and fear. However, nobly fighting for protections for women and children has yet to move to a place where they want to actively protect their loved ones from rapists and sexual abusers. I mean, in theory, sure, but white, heterosexual, vaguely Christian/Capitalist/clean-cut rapists are beyond their scope of imagination. You know, men like Brock Turner. So the idea of vocalizing disdain for Turner, his father, or the wrist-slap sentence is too “other” for them. Turner looks too much like the guy next door, and rapists living next door is too much to think about. But, men dressing up like women and entering bathrooms at Target to molest their daughters, THAT is super likely to happen.

I realize that not all areas or communities have this baggage in their immediate reality, but I do. And it has been so infuriating the last week or two to see the giant dichotomy between where I am and where they are, to see such blatant hate and prejudice–disguised as “protecting The Family”–flooding my social media feeds. To see dozens, yes, dozens, of people who share my genetics rant and rave about trans-friendly bathroom policies, yet say nothing about someone essentially getting away with raping an unconscious woman behind a dumpster. To see the same people invoke the morals of God to protest gay marriage, but who nonchalantly “Pray for Orlando” is making my blood boil. Sit down. What kind of “Christian” are you!? Praying for those who are hurt yet refusing to stand up and protect them in the first place is the most hypocritical kind of fuckwit. I suppose it is possible that some who protested Obgerfell vs Hodges a year ago have had a legitimate change of heart and now align more with gay rights groups and are LGBQT friendly, but I highly doubt it.

I have to sometimes force myself to stop thinking about all the ironies and inconsistencies, this pithy hashtag activism with zero action behind it, and–more often than not–using those status updates as a smoke screen for deeply held bigotry and hate, labeled “tolerance” but, in actuality, just straight up homophobia/racism/sexism. I have to force myself to close the screen and walk away from devices or I literally become so upset I begin to foam at the mouth. Ok, perhaps not literally-literally foaming, but close enough. I get agitated, my face and neck turn red, my hands start to shake, my eyes leak, and I either start pacing and yelling at no one in particular, or I get so pissed off that my words turn into grunts and definition-less exclamations of anger and frustration.

The world, ya’ll, is fucked. I see so much hate and fear, so much division and focusing on differences and opposition, and so little value placed on love and compassion, on celebrating the similarities between humankind, and allowing humans to be their own selves.

It is exhausting. I am exhausted.

I do understand that while there is this scary underbelly of fear and hate, there are also beautiful pockets of love and empathy, of genuine caring and friendship. I see both sides illustrated clearly in the current Presidential primaries, and in my (more curated) social media feeds. The friends I have made as an adult hold opinions similar to mine. The strangers I follow online are not bigoted, racist, sexist bastards. Many are activists in their own right, fighting for equality and peace, and I love and cherish them for their views and their determination to not give up the fight.

I often think of the Mr. Rogers quote about helpers, always look for the helpers, they will always be there. I see them, I see you. I see your faith in humanity, and faith that a small group of people fighting for love and tolerance and equality can create nation-wide change. I see you. And I am sorry for doubting, for allowing the ugly fears to get me down; I’m sorry for letting those statements cause despair and hopelessness.

We may be few, we activists, but we are relentless. In the end, love wins. Right? It sometimes seems like that isn’t enough, that it isn’t fast enough, that too many people will be hurt in the interim. But, like all great stories, in the end, the good will conquer evil, the love and hope will defeat fear and anger. Right? Please assure me you believe this too,  that we are not fighting in vain. That eventually  the seedy underlying fear and hate and anger will dissipate, that humans will be safe from each other regardless of their gender, race, ethnicity, religion, or anything else.

Love wins, right? Eventually, love wins.

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Feminism, Sexism, and Gender Equality: Fight the Bigger Fight

This week has been exhausting. I do not usually engage in online battles, and I certainly do not try to host them in my own online spaces (in this case it was Facebook). But, over the course of the last few days, I have been going back and forth on bathroom policy, specifically, on where people are allowed to legally pee.

Here’s a thought: Fight the Bigger Fight.

Stop freaking out about bathrooms and big box stores. Start freaking out about Rape Culture and the wage gap, the lack of affordable child care or paid maternity/paternity policies at the vast majority of US companies. Start freaking out about the lack of women in STEM, teachers not calling on girls or challenging girls to excel in math, science, or other “difficult” subjects. Start freaking out about the misogyny of menstruation, the fact that women in pain are often not taken seriously. Start freaking out about the emphasis on appearance instead of performance that women face every. single. day. Start freaking out about the systemic degradation and objectification of women, younger and younger women. And then DO something! Yes, I understand there is a very small chance that a predator dressing up as a woman could enter a women’s restroom and peep at or–heaven forbid–assault a woman or child. But in the time it has taken me to write this post how many women or children have been sexually abused? Exploited? Objectified? Used? What about the statistic that says 1 in 3, or 1 in 4 (depending on your source), of women will be sexually assaulted in their lifetime. That’s 25-33%. That’s a LOT of percent! I believe it is safe to say that 100% of women will be sexually harassed at some point in their lifetime. FIGHT THAT FIGHT, dammit. Yes, it’s harder than blithely throwing up a “Boycott Target” post. But it’s the only way to ACTUALLY protect women and children. Fight against the actual perpetrators and the institutions and social contracts that protect them.To be clear, I am not saying “ignore this issue (women or children being sexually assaulted in bathrooms) completely.” Never once have I said “the women who are boycotting Target are somehow less than in their thinking.” And never once did I criticize a Christian or otherwise conservative group collecting and posting incidents of people being attacked in bathrooms. I said “Fight the Bigger Fight.” Humans being sexually attacked and assaulted in public is a symptom of a MUCH larger societal disease. Take on that disease, don’t try to band-aid just one of the millions of ways sexism, misogyny, and benevolent patriarchy pervade our society.

I will fight for women’s rights and for justice when those rights are taken away. I want predators to be punished and I want the punishment to be such that other predators take pause before committing sexual assault, I want them to even decide “Ya know, the risk is too high, it’s no longer worth trying to molest or rape a woman because the reporting and investigation process is such that I will most likely be caught and punished to the full extent of the law.”

In ADDITION to that, I want women to have equal opportunity and equal rights in other areas of their life that have nothing to do with the gratification or pleasure or sense of power that our magic bodies can somehow give men, both our lovers and violent, predatory strangers. I want women to be seen for MORE than their body. I want them to succeed and excel in every other aspect of their lives, and I want society and the law to support that instead of hinder it.

Am I concerned about a woman being attacked in a public bathroom by a sexual predator who is dressed up like a woman? Yes. It is possible that such a scenario could happen,  no woman (or man) should ever have to experience sexual assault. Do I think that boycotting Target will actually do a damn thing to reduce that likelihood? No. I don’t. Not one little bit. If women stayed home at all times, and were lucky enough to not have sexual predators or abusers living with them IN their homes (fathers, uncles, brothers, husbands, sons, etc), then they would always be safe. But that is not the world I would ever want for a woman, for myself, for my stepdaughter, for my sisters or nieces or friends or their children.

Boycotting is not the answer. Change is the answer. And to create change you have to fight the bigger fight. We–women and men–must actively women’s rights, equal protections, a reduction of exploitation and objectification, and harsher punishments for those who abuse, exploit, and objectify women. Is that harder than boycotting Target? Yes. If enough people demand a better society and governmental law will it lead to actual change? Yes. (Funny how that works). I want to encourage activism and women AND men taking a stand, fighting for women, and doing so against the every growing mountain of sexist bullshit. Will this activism lead to an egalitarian, gender-equal society within my lifetime? Maybe not. And I cannot explain how angry and fundamentally heartbroken I feel while typing that statement. But will I stop fighting for drastic and fundamental change? No. I won’t. Because I want a better world for myself, for my friends, for all of our daughters and granddaughters, our nieces and sisters and mothers. I want a better world for my sweetheart, for my brothers, my father, my friends, for all of our sons and nephews and husbands.

There is a line in the movie The American President where Michael Douglas says that, as President (in an election year), he should only fight the fights he can win. His Chief of Staff, played by Martin Sheen, responds with “You fight the fights that needs fighting!”

Fight the bigger fight. Fight the fights that need fighting.

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Harriet the Bookaholic: December 2015

I delved into historical feminism and feminists and was both richly rewarded and quite disappointed (see below). I can’t wait to read more from and about my new feminist-bff, Mary Wollstonecraft, and I am completely over anti-feminist writings that are nothing more than a back-handed slap in the face, telling women to just “stay in your place, already!” (Eric Metaxas, I’m looking at you!)

Feminism:

Romantic Outlaws: The Extraordinary Lives of Mary Wollstonecraft and Her Daughter Mary Shelley, by Charlotte Gordon (5 stars). I absolutely devoured this book! Gordon is engaging and spins a fantastic story about early-adopting feminist mother-daughter duo, Wollstonecraft and Shelley. Even at nearly 600 pages I loved this book so much I wanted to start again as soon as I finished. I knew very little about Mary Wollstonecraft or Mary Shelley prior to picking up this dual-biography, however I quickly fell in love with both of them, with their particular brand of trail-blazing feminism, their politics, and their artistic endeavors. Were they flawed? Deeply so; aren’t we all? Do I agree with everything they did, said, and/or wrote? Of course not. But I loved learning more about these two women, their lives, thinking, intellect, politics, and writings. Recommended.

A Vindication of the Rights of Woman, by Mary Wollstonecraft (4 stars). I particularly loved the first half of this book, Wollstonecraft talks about the infantilisation of women, their lack of education, and the societal expectations of sweet and nice and generally weak ladies. She talks about how much damage this does to women AND men, and in general, I want to be her when I grow up. Favorite quote (which may be off a word or three because I was listening to this while driving. “If fear and infantilism in women were treated with the same abhorrence as cowardice in men, women would not be the false, simpering flowers they are often assumed to be. […] I do not wish women to control or lord over men, simply to govern over their individual selves.” Spot on, Ms. Wollstonecraft. So, spot on. This book was published during the French Revolution (1790), it’s horrifying how many of her frustrations are still felt by feminists today.

Intellectual Women and Victorian Patriarchy: Harriet Martineau, Elizabeth Barrett Browning, George Eliot, by Deirdre David (2 stars). I really wish this book was written by Charlotte Gordon (who wrote Romantic Outlaws, the dual-biography of Mary’s Wollstonecraft and Shelley).  I had a really hard time with this book, the writing is very dense and if you are not well-versed in the writings of Barrett Browning and Eliot you will  miss a lot of this book. Harriet Martineau is a lot less known and the author at least explains her writings for the reader, where for the other two she–professor as always–assumes you already took a grad course in comparative 19th century feminist literature. I found this book when looking for more information on Martineau, who I found kept popping up in the books I read about Charles Darwin. She was a staunch supporter of ending the slave trade and abolishing slavery in the British Empire and America, she also edited many scientific articles for Darwin and his contemporaries and wrote countless reviews on natural history and evolution. I was disappointed that this work was not even mentioned in this book, instead focusing on her political economy writings, travel writings, and (according to the author), her “inability” to write a great novel. I am not well-enough read in 19th century literature to follow all the (very dense and very wordy) arguments and critiques the author makes for/against Barrett Browning and Eliot, comparing fictional characters to real-life authors and delving deep into all sorts of theory.

7 Women And the Secret of Their Greatness, by Eric Metaxas (2 stars). The subtitle of this book should be “The Secret of Their Greatness is Christianity and Adhering to Traditional Female Roles.” Not that there is anything wrong with being a Christian woman, but I was disappointed that was the unifying theme Metaxas chose for these women. In his introduction he blatantly states he is anti-feminist, and my heart sank. I suppose there lies my issue with the unifying Christian/supporting the religious and governmental patriarchy theme. Women who break the mold and are pioneers in feminism he dismisses out of the hat as unseemly radicals, while praising those who excel in “womanly” ways. Meh, not my cup of tea. Some of the women Metaxas selected I had never heard of, some I have read biographies or autobiographies of (Joan of Arc, Corrie ten Boom) that were FAR superior to the synopsis Metaxas wrote. Several women I am positive do not fit into the same ranks as Mother Teresa and Rosa Parks, but because they were good Christians and anti-feminists, Metaxas included them (Susanna Wesley, Hannah More, Saint Maria of Paris).

Additional Recommended Reading: Joan of Arc, by Mark Twain; Joan of Arc: In Her Own Words, by Jeanne d’Arc; The Hiding Place, by Corrie ten Boom.

Space & Science Fiction:

The Martian, by Any Weir (5 stars). I loved this book so much, Blue Eyes and I listened to it as we were driving back and forth (11 hours each way, 5 trips in the last 6 weeks) and we both laughed and geeked out and brought it up in conversation for weeks afterward. Brilliant, science-y, hilarious, and general perfection.

Additional recommended reading: Packing for Mars: The Curious Science of Life in the Void, by Mary Roach.

Christmas:

A Christmas Carol, by Charles Dickens (5 stars). While I have seen about a dozen different film adaptions, I had never actually read the story. I loved it, absolutely loved it. I loved the characters and the imagery and the general message. I love the darkness of the Ghost of Christmases Yet To Come, and the imps Fear and Ignorance. Dah, so many wonderful parts of this. Recommended. (Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to re-watch my favorite versions with a steamy cup of cocoa.)

 

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Harriet the Bookaholic: November 2015

I’m a bit late posting this, I kept thinking I’d finish up one more book to add…but I didn’t. Between boxing up my whole life and moving it 700 miles south and then coming BACK north for the holidays and to finish up some stuff at my office…I just, well, I’m swamped. Blergh.

Feminism

The Handmaid’s Tale, by Margaret Atwood (4 stars). The world is limping along after a massive nuclear holocaust, pockets of humanity survive and depend on subjugating women with viable ovaries, impregnating them, and confiscating any babies who are not deformed or “shredders.” In hyper-conservative religious Gilead, Offred tells her story. I loved this.I was not terribly horrified by the premise that women were used for their ovaries and classified and ranked in society. I mean, civilizations around the world have done that for thousands of years. Take Henry VIII, he wanted a son so badly he kept killing his wives until one produced an heir. Marie Antoinette and Catherine The Great’s places as queen/empress were not assured until they produced an heir to the throne. I guess I expected to be horrified, and in many ways I was intrigued and sometimes disgusted, but it wasn’t ever truly shocking. Controlling women and their bodies has been part of our history forever, it only makes sense that in a post-apocalyptic world that would continue. Excellent read, so many things to think about.

Dance of the Dissident Daughter, by Sue Monk Kidd (3 stars). I have very mixed opinions about this book. Overall, I really didn’t like it. BUT, I also underlined and starred a number of passages. So, there’s that. I appreciate some of Monk Kidd’s revelations as she becomes a feminist-thinking woman, but I also was super frustrated by her process and actions. Written in 1992 some of those pieces are–at least for me and the women I associate with–just before my time and I have difficulty relating. But some of her opinions just came across as way extreme to me, and I consider myself a liberal-thinking feminist. Some great one-liners and small paragraphs, but overall, meh.

Additional Recommended Reading: The Yellow Wallpaper, by Charlotte Perkins Gilman; The Feminine Mystique, by Betty Friedan; Feminism is for Everybody, by bell hooks.

Russian History & the Romanov Family

Catherine the Great: Portrait of a Woman, by Robert K. Massie (4 stars). Catherine I–Catherine the Great–is seen as both a terrible tyrant and a benevolent empress. The truth is probably a little of both. This incredibly strong woman came to Russia as a young teenager, married the weak and indecisive heir to the Russian throne (Peter III), but still had to contend with the jealous and terrible Elizabeth, Russian Empress, for almost 2 decades before her husband became Tsar. At that point, Catherine decided to rule the country in her own right instead of leave the vast resources of the Russian empire to her completely inept husband. She ruled for decades, keeping hold of Russia through numerous wars and skirmishes with Prussia and the Turks, internal rebellion, and continued to expand the Russian empire while Great Britain lost the American colonies and the French monarchy and aristocracy were put to death via the guillotine. She introduced the smallpox vaccine, introduced religious tolerance, and nourished friendships and political alliances around Europe. She was such an incredible woman…and also an autocrat monarch of a vast empire she could only hope to vaguely understand. She maintained the status quo for the millions of peasants (um, it wasn’t a good status, btw), was unable to free the serf, although she did introduce serf reform that was quickly quashed by the land-owning noble-classes, and had little concept of how her autocratic rule was viewed in the provinces. Fascinating woman. Fascinating biography.

Additional Recommended Reading: Nicholas and Alexandra, by Robert K. Massie; Maria Theresa, by Edward Crankshaw; Abundance: A Novel of Marie Antoinette, by Sena Jeter Naslund

The Amber Room, by Catherine Scott-Clark and Adrian Levy (2 stars). This is such a fascinating subject: a room made entirely of panels of amber from the Baltic sea, more precious than gold and much more fragile. This room was part of the Catherine Palace in St. Petersburg (yep, that Catherine), locations of millions of pieces of art collected for centuries. When the Nazi’s stormed the city during World War II the museum curators feverishly packed, stored, and hid as much art as they could…but the Amber Room proved too difficult to move and was left behind. The Nazi’s pried the amber panels from the walls and packed them off to a castle in Germany…and that is where the trail dies out. Did the panels arrive? Were they sent elsewhere? Did the Russians reclaim them and hide them again? Was the room destroyed by fire or carelessness? If you’re a White Collar fan, the contents of the Amber Room are a continuing theme and obsession for Neal Caffrey and take up the bulk of seasons one and two; the music box is from the Amber Room. So…fascinating subject, but the authors were SUUUUPER boring, and I like research-heavy books non-fiction books! Skip this, watch White Collar instead.

Additional Recommended Reading: The Lost Painting, by Jonathan Harr.

Russian Literature

Dead Souls, by Nikolai Gogol (4 stars). There is a lot to digest here, and if you aren’t paying close attention and at least nominally familiar with Russian aristocracy in the 1800’s you may get a little lost. Chichikov is a young man trying to make it big in a society where landowners with serfs are the only true way to wealth. The more serfs you have, the wealthier you are. Chichikov devises a plan where he collects serfs on paper–people who have died but are still considered alive by the state due to a once-a-decade census.  As Chichikov collects these dead souls through not-entirely-ethical means, his status rises and he is viewed more and more as a prominent member of society. And then, of course, his plan falls to pieces: all that glitters is not gold.

Additional Recommended Reading: The Gilded Age, by Mark Twain.

The Death of Ivan Ilych, by Leo Tolstoy (3 stars). This is a short book, Tolstoy explores the hurt, anxiety, frustration, and despair surrounding Ivan Ilych as he lays dying. There is some gorgeous imagery and tone, and you can’t help but want to hang out with Ivan Ilych (always called by his full name) and talk to him for the afternoon, hoping to give him a little hope and happiness.

Additional Recommended Reading: Being Mortal, by Atul Gawande.

Civil War History

Ulysses S. Grant, by Owen Wister (3 stars). This is a pretty short biography of Grant, too short. I wanted a lot more detail on every part of his life. Thanks to Melanie‘s recommendation, have added a proper Grant biography to The List.

Additional Recommended Reading: Killer Angels, by Michael Shaara; Grant and Twain, by Mark Perry.

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Working 9 to 5: how men have it all wrong

Warning: Fuck-words on the horizon…

Over the next few weeks my office will (hopefully) hire someone to fill the now-empty office of my boss. Now, this office has an enormous responsibility within the state and our industry at both a local and national level. It’s no small thing. Today we met the four final candidates and got a chance to hear them present on some major topics pertinent to our department and have an informal chat with each candidate to ask and answer questions about the more day-to-day aspects of this position.

All four candidates are women.

My department consists of ten women.

The rest of my company is dominated by men, particularly in upper management (i.e. my industry is not one primarily made up of women).

As a department, my colleagues and I work well together, we collaborate and exchange ideas, we rely on data, we present our programs and initiatives to a wide range of constituents, we partner with community, state, and national entities to further our projects and aims. We have learned how to cut through red tape–lots of red tape–we both rely on funding from and report to the state legislature, and partner with state and local boards and community organizations. In the last five years we have made tremendous change and improvement in our industry and have been recognized at national levels for the work we take on and the initiatives we create and promote (yes, I’m being deliberately vague, sorry/not sorry. #dooce).

In a word, we GET SHIT DONE.

YES! I know, it’s kind of shocking, I suppose, but we women ACTUALLY DO OUR JOBS WHILE WE ARE AT WORK!!! Whaaaaaa!??! Inconfuckingceivable!!

We don’t cry and ignore data and fall in love with our male colleagues and sit around and gossip instead of doing our jobs. We accomplish more in any given month than most places of business are likely to complete in a financial quarter.

Yet, there is still crap like this floating around the world, getting traction and supportive comments:

A training on “how to deal with women” for the newly elected Austin City council.

Female scientists should be kept out of the lab, they just cry and fall in love with me.

I can’t work one-on-one with a woman in the office because that’s like cheating on my wife…

What. The. Actual. Fuck.

Dear Men: I show up at my office every day because I am passionate about what I do, I want to make a difference and change lives for the better. I am not interested in having a lusty, romantic affair with Office Ink.

Dear Men: I am damn good at my job, I am capable and talented and have all the qualifications and experience to excel at my job. If you need training on how to “deal” with a capable and experienced colleague in a professional work setting the problem is NOT me, it is you.

Dear Men: Ya’ll have been In Charge in many ways for thousands and thousands of years, especially in a political or professional setting. Your track record is pretty dismal. Why are you so damn scared of opening up to the idea that the other half of the population may have something positive to add to the way you do business? It is proven world-wide that governments, companies, and communities who have higher levels of equality–true equality–between men and women have happier, healthier constituents and their profit margins increase. WHY DO YOU NOT PAY ATTENTION TO THIS DATA?!

Dear Men: I am so over the douchebag, self-entitled “I’m so great everyone probably wants to sleep with me” attitude. I am willing to talk about feminism and the completely radical notion that women are humans too and should be treated with the same respect and given the same rights and opportunities as their penis-weilding counterparts. But I am unwilling to continue to pander to or even engage with this kind of bullshit. Get it together. It is 2015. No matter your industry or profession women will be in your workplace. In order to stay relevant and–GASP–continue to be successful throughout the remainder of your career you need to re-examine these outdated patriarchal notions of male superiority and “universal” “emotional” characteristics of women (romance, love, crying, not liking data) that you view as unsuitable in an office or professional setting. Get over yourself. You sound like a fucking Neanderthal.

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