Around, and around, and around


Do you ever feel like you fluctuate between two opposite extremes? One day you want fuzzy slippers and leggings, the next some killer shoes and a sharp blazer that Stacy, Clinton, and Tim Gunn would swoon over. Or maybe one day you’re all about salads and lean protein, and then next it’s chips and guac, mac & cheese, and a bucket of ice cream.

Right now, I’m caught on this particular roller coaster, constantly swinging from side to side, with a few moments of contentment somewhere in the middle. One day I want a lovely back yard and garden (which are truly lovely, and I still love them) and the next I want to sell everything and spend my life wandering. Or I want a nice, stable, dependable job with state benefits and a reserved parking spot…but then I want to spend 3 years in a creative commune and, I don’t know, go hunting for berry pigments to turn into dye, or paint, or pie (I’m not entirely sure what happens at a creative artist commune, clearly.).

When I get knocked off kilter, it sometimes takes me a while of flailing around to find my center again. I feel like I can see where that center path is, but I keep missing it, criss-crossing it haphazardly, but slowing the pendulum swing…eventually I’ll find my feet confidently walking where I want them to be, and until then, I’m just trying to survive the ride.

It occurred to me in the last few days that I probably need to be on medication. Again. I have always dabbled around the edges of depression and for the last few years have also been fighting anxiety attacks and overwhelming moments of panic stemming from everyday situations. I’ve tried therapy and meds, and more meds and different therapy. And those things have all helped to some extent; but depending on how extreme and powerful the forces in my life…well…I think it’s time to up my meds.



I know that part of my issues of late have nothing to do with my brain chemistry, they would be shitty for anyone in my shoes. I also know that my particular brain chemistry sometimes needs a little boost to stay even. So, while I know my doc–who is well acquainted with my brain–wouldn’t hesitate to re-write me a prescription for something to help me manage my day-to-day; part of me wonders if that’s a cop out. Wonders if it’s my brain, or if it’s just the situation. I don’t want to be broken, but I also sometimes wonder if I’m gas-lighting myself. And then I remind myself for the umpteenth time that regardless of why, it’s okay to not be okay. And it’s okay to take meds, or go to therapy, or do whatever it is that works in order to get back to a place of feeling okay again. And when I, myself, try and convince myself otherwise…well, that’s not a very healthy behavior, now is it.

Oh, the hamsters in my brain, if you could only see and appreciate how they work, and how they work me over. It’s exhausting.

Harriet sig


6 thoughts on “Around, and around, and around

  1. San

    I definitely know the feeling of fluctuating between extremes. I always want it “all”… so to speak. I think that’s normal to a level. 😉

    Now, with your particular situation, I am not surprised you feel that you’re being pulled in many different directions. It reminds me about your post about burning everything down and starting anew. Sometimes that seems like the easiest option, but it probably isn’t either.

    I am glad you’re considering meds/therapy. I can understand that you don’t want it to be a cop out, but as I just recently discussed with someone close to me: if the reactions to things become too much, too out of proportion, a little outside help is not only the right thing to do, but necessary.

    Let me know how I can help.

  2. Stacy

    I am sorry you are going through a difficult season in your life.

    If your depression is situational, that doesn’t mean it isn’t serious, and it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t take meds. It isn’t a cop out. It is one strategy to help you through things. Sometimes you need to use all the strategies because every bout of depression is different and requires different management. You shouldn’t feel guilty about doing what you need to do to regain your health.

    Hugs. You’re a tough, classy lady, and you’ll find your way.

  3. WhenInTurkey

    I thought that fluctuation was life? I’m the same way ?. And gas lighting or not, feeling good is what’s important. If you are struggling to get through the day then it’s got to be more than just a regular icky feeling that people have sometimes in response to a particularly icky event. I have a friend who is struggling now but won’t rip off the bandaid and go back on meds because I’m the only one supporting her….as someone on the outside, it hurts us to see our friends suffer. If you won’t do it for yourself, do it for us. Geçmiş olsun!


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