That time when you knew you were falling to pieces, but you kept pushing on anyway, hoping that faking it would eventually lead to making it. It’s worked before, why not now?
Yeah. Not working.
I hit a major wall a few weeks ago, not a wall that led to the depths of despair, I can be surprisingly functional when everything is turning to shit. But the wall after things are starting to feel like they are headed in the right direction, and then suddenly everything is too overwhelming to even think about.
I can hardly convince yourself to get off the couch (or off the floor of the shower, my happy place where I do some of my best arguing / thinking / plotting / solution-izing). I just…can’t. I have been powering through for so long, I needed some time and space to be still. And the stillness takes priority over anything else: the gym, or painting, or yoga, or cooking something delicious, things I truly find joy in doing.
I’m listening to a time management book right now during my commute, and the idea of planning out my time sounds fantastic, I could get so much more done! With the right list I can fit in ALL THE THINGS that have been neglected! I decided to write a list of ideas. I love lists! I love checking things off lists! However, tonight I honestly spent 30 minutes sitting on the couch, struggling to write a single thing on that list. Not a damn thing. It seems productivity is just not in the cards for me just yet.
It has been kind of nice to be a little removed from the Rat Race. I have hundreds of unread notifications on Facebook (I can’t until after the election, I just can’t), I haven’t opened my feed reader in weeks even though I’ve missed catching up and peering in to your lives. I have, however, managed to cut down my Twitter feed considerably, and I figured out how to unsubscribe from Instagram stories.
So hey, actually, let’s give me a little gold star sticker for two pieces of productivity.
[insert sparkly gold star emoji here]
[yes, I am asking you to use your old school imagination because the idea of scrolling for the perfect, hilarious gold star gif is giving me anxiety….and anxiety about being awarded already-earned gold stars is the absolute opposite of the point of earning gold stars.]