On Silence

Red Rock Canyon Nevada 1_feistyharriet_March 2018

Most people who know me know that I love to chat, I love having long, in-depth conversations about [insert literally any subject here, except gaming and Star Wars] and will happily spend hours catching up with a friend, asking questions, throwing around ideas, looking up facts and supporting details and trying to understand other’s opinions while also solidifying my own.

My earliest journals (I started writing semi-regularly when I was 8) are lengthy letters to an invisible/imaginary friend named Fred. I found it easier to write TO someone than to just make a list of my feelings. Fred was a specific smiley-face with crazy hair and a sticky-outie tongue, and I’d draw him on journal pages for YEARS. I appreciate the practice of writing for myself, but what I really love and benefit from is working through my ideas and figuring out a solution, or an opinion, or whatever.

Honestly, blogging used to feel like writing to Fred. And then it didn’t. And now I’m so out of the habit that it took me 15 minutes to sign in and figure out how and where to upload some photos for this post. Sigh.

I need this space. I need the habit of writing, editing, and publishing my thoughts and feelings. I’ve been bottling up so much for SO long, I need my little corner of The Interwebs to feel like it’s mine again. I had set a goal for myself to post twice a month here in 2018, something I have definitely not been accomplishing.

So. Let me catch you up:

  • I still work in college access / education; I work for a non-profit and mostly really enjoy my job.
  • I’m still a stepmom, the kiddos are teenagers now and one will be DRIVING this fall. I know. It’s crazy to me too.
  • I am a reading machine, I think I’ve read over 60 books so far this year, and won’t be stopping anytime soon.
  • The last 18 months have been particularly difficult for Blue Eyes and I; we’ve had a lot of Life Upheaval kind of things, new jobs several times over, major changes on other fronts, and a lot of unnecessary shiz.
  • The #metoo movement and the subsequent role women have taken in fighting al the bullshit and leading the resistance, from local movements to the national legislature has generated So Many Feels for me. (I really need to work through this some more, I lurk on Twitter a lot, listening and learning, but as a platform I don’t see myself working out my own feelings there, it’s too easy to get thrown under the bus and the trolls are horrifying. I just…I am reminded, again, why this little spot is really the one for me.)
  • I have been watching and re-watching The Great British Baking Show, and in the last little while I’ve baked more than the previous 5 years combined.
  • Combine the Difficult And Ongoing Life Upheaval with a lot of butter and sugar and–BAM–I’ve also gained 30 pounds in the last 6 months. I’m not proud of it, I’m actually kind of horrified by it, I am just a few pounds shy of my heaviest weight. Again.
  • Add to the Life Upheaval and Weight Gain is a pretty solid case of major depression and increased anxiety. Until today completely untreated / self-treated with super crappy results.
  • Turns out being majorly depressed for months and months and months makes it really difficult to do a lot of simple things, like tying on gym shoes, let alone something REALLY DIFFICULT like, I don’t know, spending 3-5 hours per week wearing those shoes in an actual gym situation. Or signing into your blogging platform with a “hey ya’ll, long time, been scary-depressed and havin’ a struggle in daily function.”

Like any habit, it will take time and regular practice for me to remember how this whole writing thing works for me. My muscles have nearly atrophied, so this will take some doing before words are flying from my fingers again. To be clear, it is my writing muscles that have atrophied, I am definitely mobile and, if being chased by a dinosaur or something, I could (probably) run for at least a mile before submitting to the T. Rex and going back to Jesus.

Turns out, mental health is a sneaky little shit. Turns out months of unending stress contributes to negative mental health. Turns out….well, you get it.

3 thoughts on “On Silence

  1. Jess

    I’m sorry things have been tough for you recently. Much love to you–I’m proud of you for taking steps to try to make things better for yourself.

    Reply
  2. David Mansfield

    I have recently come across your blog, adding it to my favorites. I am certainly no advisor, but going on 52 years as a husband to my better half, we like all couples have both changed as a couple, as well as individuals. Hang in there! When I look back at all the adventures we have experienced together, (both good and bad)I would not change a thing. All sweet times, does not necessarily make for a long and satisfying life. Best of luck to you and yours.

    Reply

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