Things left behind, and letting go

Halfway through my senior year of high school I left* my childhood home, my Mom and two sisters, and moved in with my Dad, a delightfully quirky bachelor who had zero furniture outside of his bed and a gorgeous grand piano. Lurch is the kind of guy who organizes his pantry alphabetically and spends $150.00 on a pepper grind because it was so sleek and shiny and deemed–after extensive research–the best pepper grinder on the market. I adore Lurch and find his anal retentive/OCD qualities charming and familiar.

When I moved in with him I took everything I owned with me. I packed up all my journals, my summer and winter clothes, toys I had already outgrown, my stuffed animals and dolls, my sticker collection, my drug store camera and box of developed photos, a half-finished crocheted afghan, and the trophies I’d earned in gymnastics, track, and a not-at-all embarrassing number of nerdy academic trophies and medals. (Best Dried Flower Collection, 5th Grade; State Silver Medalist in Math; 12th Grade (Stop laughing!); Best Student Director, Noises Off, 2001).

I carefully labeled boxes and fill them with papers I’d written that had nice comments from teachers, report cards, my baby blanket, souvenirs from trips to Hawaii, Chicago, Florida, and Washington, D.C., including a shocking number of keychains. Apparently, I thought an  extensive keychain collection was the true mark of an exotic traveler.

I moved into the guest room, hung up my clothes, my Dad bought me some furniture and most of the packed-up boxes went into “Harriet’s corner” of the unfinished basement where they stayed for the next 13 years collecting company: boxes from my brothers and sisters, from Lurch’s brothers and sisters, probably from neighbors and strangers and who knows who else. The basement turned into a jungle of stacks of forgotten boxes, racks of clothes, disassembled furniture, entire walls of full file cabinets, bicycles, kites, electric trains…it was, well, crowded.

A few weeks ago my siblings and I received an email that the basement was being remodeled and all of our shit needed to be claimed. (Of course, Lurch didn’t use the term “shit.” My Dad doesn’t swear, when he gets really upset he uses words like “asinine” and “crap-o-la.”) The stacks of boxes with my 17-year old handwritten labels were still in my corner, and one afternoon I dug in and opened up a world of forgotten memories. An entire box of high school dance pictures; a sheaf of drumsticks; a jewelry box full of drugstore treasures; the box and instruction manual for my first three cell phones; the front page of the newspaper from Sept. 11, 2001; my high school diploma and graduation cap; a whole stack of cassette taps of my favorite songs recorded off the radio; posters and programs from the plays I performed in and stage managed; and, inexplicably, a box of empty glass jars and a hammer.

To be honest, most of the boxes were full of junk, junk that made me smile as I dug through and sorted it into the trash or recycle bins with a small pile of items to keep. It’s amazing the things I thought were so important, and how easily I could let them go now. There’s probably a lesson in there somewhere.

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*I recently learned the terms of my moving from my childhood home to my Dad’s house are up for debate and interpretation. I maintain that my Mom kicked me out, I called my Dad in tears, a friend and her parents helped me pack up boxes and moved me the 25 miles to Lurch’s house because he was out of town on a business trip and couldn’t get home to help. My Mom says that I asked permission to live with Lurch, she and I sat down together and prayed about it, and she helped me pack while Lurch waited in the driveway. Riiiiiight. For the record, my Dad and friend remember the details as I do. Ahem.

Cherry Blossoms at the Capitol

Every spring I get all envious of the people who venture out to the mall in Washington, D.C. to enjoy the cherry blossoms in full bloom there. I live high in the mountains and while there are many flowering trees here, the mountain spring weather means that often they are only in bloom for a few days before a snowstorm destroys them. One must be quick if one wants to enjoy walking among pink and white blossoms. A few years ago when the capitol building complex was overhauled a gravel running path was put in around the entire grounds and lined with two rows of gorgeous flowering cherry trees. Their blooms are the lightest pinkish white and while the trees are still young, wandering through that tunnel of flowers is something I look forward to every spring. Blue Eyes passes the capitol building every day on his way to work, one day he came home and told me it was time to grab my camera and head up. I got there right at the magic hour 15 minutes before sunset when the light is the most golden, and I clicked away until my fingers were frozen. A few days later a massive hail storm turn the petals into shredded ribbons; I am so glad I went when I did.

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More photos here. What is your favorite part of spring in your city?

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If we went to lunch…

I love going to lunch with friends, catching up on all the good (and difficult, and crazy) things in our lives and spending an hour or so having a genuine heart-to-heart chat. In that spirit, if you and I went to lunch today, this is what I would tell you (this post idea is blatantly hoisted from Nilsa over at SoMi Speaks, btw):

I would complain about the pollen and my insane seasonal allergies and the cost of prescription strength (but not covered by my insurance) medication. I love the springtime blossoms, but I love the rainy days even more because it keeps the pollen on the ground where it belongs and not in my nose, eyes, throat, and sinuses. I may also tentatively suggest that winter stick around just a little longer; I hate the heat, am no fan of the sun, and definitely don’t mind snuggling up with some peppermint tea and a good book.

I would gush about how much I am enjoying my job. It’s not something I thought I’d get in to, or stick with for so long, but after 4 years I am dedicated and invested and I really love it. I have consistently asked for additional responsibilities and projects, and have been given the opportunity to prove what I can do. My to-do list is miles long, I stay late many evenings (balanced by no-work weekends and a few early-off Fridays), but I am happy; happier than I’ve ever been from an employment situation.

I would confide that learning to live with a boy full time has been…an adjustment. We are fine, that’s not what I’m trying to say, but I didn’t realize how much of a change it would be having Blue Eyes home every night. We are living together, really, for the first time, only without most of those honeymoon-y butterflies. They have been replaced with humorous (but also, sometimes kind of annoying) statements like “Why is your hair always clogging the tub?!” and “Is it so hard to just throw your dirty socks 2 more feet so they land in the hamper!?” and “Why is my towel wet? Did you use my towel?” We are learning and adjusting, but, um, it’s a lot of adjusting. Apparently we were both pretty set in our individual ways (and sock-throwing habits).

I would announce that last year I gave up sugar and carbs for Lent and I’m trying it again this year (but not for Lent, just, you know, for the last little while). It is both harder and not nearly as bad as I remembered. The harder part comes from the days where my planning leaves a little to be desired and I’m trying to eat on the fly and find something that fits into the “no pasta, no bread, no rice, no cookies, no corn, no carrots, no fruit, no sugar of any kind” restrictions. The easier part is that, oh yeah, this isn’t actually as bad as it sounds. Lots of veggies, protein every day, a small snack between breakfast and lunch. It takes planning, but it’s not difficult planning. (This is a short-term “cleanse” type of thing, not a forever diet change.)

I would sigh and admit that as much as I enjoy my job, I sometimes daydream about being one of those ladies of leisure, the type that goes to mid-morning yoga (or can go to yoga AND the gym any given day without making working out the only other priority in her life outside of the office), or sign up for a weekly painting studio session, or a cooking class, or go to long lunches with other leisurely ladies, and volunteer for a Good Cause more whole-heartedly, and sometimes, to be completely honest, to spend several days parked in front of Netflix with a bevy of sweet and salty snacks and a never-ending supply of Diet Dr. Pepper. I know that after a little while I’d crave the structure and workings of an office and co-workers and the projects I’ve spent the last 4 years contributing to; and I also know ultimately that a life of leisure would not make me happy. But GOODNESS, sometimes it just sounds so wonderful.

I would let you know that being a stepmom is hard. Not that hanging out with Blue Eyes’ kiddos is difficult, nothing like that. In our situation (kids live out of state, I see them every couple of months for a weekend and then a longer chunk of time in the summer and at Christmas) I see my role in many ways as closer aligned to that of a favorite aunt than that of a parent. And I’m really good at being the favorite aunt. No, for me the kids are not the difficult part. It’s Blue Eyes’ x-wife. For years she has been the biggest cause of angst and anxiety and rage for both of us (and, sometimes, between us). She is truly a piece of work; I try and keep most of the bullshit off the internet and in my therapist’s office, but DAMN, she is a particularly nasty brand of CrAzYtOwN. If you recall, this is the woman who told outrageous lies about me and my writing and, ultimately, bullied and badgered me into shutting down my old blog completely. I tell you, she’s a gem. And SHE is what makes being a stepmom so damn difficult, not Blue Eyes, not his kids, not the child support and other payments, not any of that kind of stuff, just her. All by her (nasty) self.

I would probably swoon over the fact that without necessarily intending to, Blue Eyes and I have taken a page from RA’s book on not scheduling social things for at least one or two evenings per week. Last week Blue Eyes and I had zero social obligations; we both worked late here or there, but there was no rushing to somewhere else, no faking happiness or lack of fatigue when we’d really just prefer a nap, and no trying to one obligation early to tray and catch the tail end of another one, and no pinchy pants or shoes. We’d come home, change directly into pajamas and just…be. To end the day with snacks and books and conversations and Netflix in jammies and fuzzy slippers for SIX DAYS IN A ROW…ohmygoodness, it was the most refreshing thing. Dear Self: Please Create More Evenings Free of Obligations. Love, Harriet.

How about you? If we went to lunch (or out for coffee, or whatever), what would you tell me?

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A Mini for Harriet

I bought my first car in 2005, I was 21 and had just walked away from a terrible, abusive marriage. I fell head over heels for a bright yellow VW bug I called Daisy and drove off the lot with the largest “high on life” feeling I’d had in months and months. My Dad (the most sensible man I know who has only ever owned a car that is white or silver) called me a few days later wondering if I had buyer’s remorse over such a bright, shiny, LOUD, always-going-to-be noticed auto choice. I told him that I smiled every single time I saw that round yellow car, and that if anything could make me smile every day it was worth more than diamonds.

So, with that introduction, it is probably important to note that I have perhaps a slightly high expectation of feelings that should be generated by a vehicle. But, even so, there it is.

Fast forward a decade: Daisy was totaled in 2008 in a terrible car accident (which I still ache from on a regular basis, btw), and as the economy tanked, and my paycheck along with it, my car choices (or, rather, the leftover very-used cars I found fit into my budget) became much darker, more dull, and more sensible. And more often than not, rusty around the edges. Lately I’ve been driving a mostly functional sedan that was picked out by Blue Eyes’ x-wife 8 or 9 years ago; it was nicer than my previous 2 vehicles, for sure, but it never really fit me and with that kind of pedigree it certainly never made me smile.

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Two weeks ago all of that changed.

Blue Eyes and I have been talking about replacing my car for over a year, and in all those discussions I always hoped for an end result that put me over-the-moon, but the practical adult in me realized that 21-year-old Harriet and 31-year-old Harriet should not necessarily have the same wish list for vehicles. But, I also knew that if we were going to spend thousands and thousands of dollars on something, it damn well better be smile-inducing! (Delicate balance, that is, by the way.) Blue Eyes found what turned out to be the exact combination of compromise of both of our dream cars, we took it for a test drive, confirmed that it was everything we had been looking for, and the price was right in our range.

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A few hours later she was mine. (Blue Eyes says “ours” but we both know that term is really just a formality.)

I woke up several times that night to check the driveway, just to make sure she was still there. I took myself on a long solo drive–something I had never considered in the practical sedan, or either of the two predecessor vehicles.

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Two weeks later and I still get butterflies when I come around the house and see her sitting there in all her shiny glory. I am completely in love. The Mini is far fancier than I think Blue Eyes or I ever intended, we are constantly pulling out the manual to figure out what that  button does, or how to change this or that setting. And then the fanciness just continues to awe us.

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The photos may look like she’s just a regular bright, shiny red, but in actuality the color is more orangey-red. In my opinion, all love’s must have names, and the cars* (and computers, and vacuums, and flashlights, and pianos) that I have owned or lived with in previous lives have all been named (Ira, Hoovie, Maggie, and Sergei, respectively). I am leaning towards naming her Persimmon, and calling her Perci/Persi/Percy, but I am also open to suggestions.

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Daaah, she’s just so…perfect. More photos here.

Do you love your car? Appreciate it’s functionality but are not attached? Do you think cute or fun cars are a worthy investment? Or are you far more practical than I am? What is your dream car? And your “more attainable” dream car?

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*Previous vehicles, make, model, color, and name (or lack of):

1993 maroon Jeep Cherokee: Mjölnir (long, long story, and not nearly as relevant in 2004 as it is now, thank you Marvel)
2004 yellow VW Bug: Daisy Mae
2008 red VW Bug: Roxy
1998 teal/rust Dodge Neon: Mallard
1995 black(ish) Mazda 6: Mazdaratti (sarcasm font)
2005 red Chevy Impala: The car not good enough for a name, I usually referred to it as “Blue Eyes’ damn car.” Can’t you feel the love?

I Regret Sleeping On That Couch…and Other Confessions

Confession 1:

A number of years ago I got in a pretty nasty car accident and my neck and back have just never been the same. I was out of commission and packed in ice for months, and it was a couple of years before I was able to move anything close to the way I had before; I still deal with daily pain, discomfort, and achey-ness. To combat these ills I sleep on a special orthopedic pillow designed to cushion my head just so and support my neck just so; most nights I have a complicated pillow-wedge under my knees to eliminate pressure on my lower back and increase circulation in my feet. I sleep with a mouth-guard to prevent teeth grinding; I often sleep with an eye mask because light is a sure-fire way to wake me up. You guys, I am a VISION OF BEAUTY at night! Mr. Blue Eyes is a lucky, lucky man. A few nights ago I was so restless I moved to the floor…of the dining room…because the couch was just soooo far away. I dropped off immediately and sleeping on a thin rental-grade carpet over old wood floors was INFINITELY more comfortable than the couch. And now I wish I could take back every couch nap from the last 5 years.*

Confession 2:

I’m a married lady and probably shouldn’t admit this–but I have definitely lost track of the number of people I kissed prior to Blue Eyes. I mean, it’s not like I kept a list or something; I could give you a range, but again, I’m a lady and that’s not the type of thing we ladies publish. However, apparently, um, the number is pretty high? The handful of people who have cajoled it out of me were, maybe, possibly, slack-jaw shocked. Ahem.)

Confession 3:

I have an unnatural (and probably unnecessary) obsession with grooming the man I love; and Blue Eyes–god love him–indulges me. I pluck his eyebrows; I give him pedicures which include painting his toes in hot pink or neon green; I trim his cuticles and file his nails; I shave the hairs on his neck and pop the occasional pimple on his back. Basically, I am a chimpanzee and Blue Eyes is the subject of my need to engage in social grooming–he’s a very willing baboon, bless his heart.

Confession 4:

I don’t get YouTube. I mean, I understand the concept and general purpose, of course. But I do not understand how someone can sped hours watching music videos or video clips. But, then, if any video is over 30 seconds I just don’t have the attention span to watch the whole thing. GIFs are much more my style.

Confession 5:

I cannot go 24 hours (read: 24 minutes) without having my toenails painted. I mean, I don’t repaint my toes every day or anything, I just cannot have them polish free…ever. It makes me anxious and itchy and blotchy to have nekkid toes. I take the old polish off, trim, file, and immediately put on a bright new color. Even taking a bath or something in-between the removal and repainting makes me twitch. Clearly, this is A Thing with me. (Current hue: a cobalt-purpley blue)

What are your Friday Confessions?

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*It may be time to seriously consider buying a new couch instead of making do with a truck-load of hand-me-downs.