Category Archives: My health

Not yet. But, soon.

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For months I have been struggling, I’ve written about that struggle here a little, and I’ve internalized it a lot. I’ve suffocated panic attacks, and also let them destroy me in the dark hours in the middle of the night, leaving me exhausted but finally able to sleep. I’ve sobbed through books and songs that are not sad, I’ve been desperate for understanding. I managed to allow myself a little bit of hope. My struggles are not on a single track, it seems an entire web of hurt and pain and fear has been slowly closing in on me, slowly squashing the happy and sunny parts of my life, replacing it with dead shadows. I want to be clear that this is not entirely political, but the combination of politics, the hurts of humanity, my own relationships and my own demons. It is a very complicated web that I am tangled in, and it seems the struggle has only made the tangle messier.

For me, that web all came crashing down last Tuesday, watching in horror, sobbing in anger and fear, as state after state turned red. There are a lot of shitty things in the world, and also a lot of goodness. But on Tuesday night The Shit won. When you’re already walking on a tight rope, trying to balance and measure every step, it doesn’t take much to make you fall. I wore black the next day, in mourning. I have retreated some more, probably to a scary degree, actually. I am grieving the loss of so many things, and I cannot be comforted.

My entire life I’ve taught my heart to throw up walls, to grow spikes, to protect itself. For the majority of my adult life I’ve tried to remind myself not to build the wall and cultivate the spikes. I’m a warrior who is at war with herself. Years ago I received a piece of advice I think of often, but sometimes am incapable of the required follow through: Insulate yourself from the hurts of the world so that you may move forward shielded by your own, conscious strength. I’m still not 100% sure what that means, how do you insulate something without burying it in impenetrable layers? How do you move forward without turning into a prickly monster?

This is a puzzle I continually solve and then forget the answer. So I have to start at the beginning, again and again. It is exhausting. My unexpected, very emotional spiral immediately following the 2016 election is another setback for me, I’ve taken some time to be angry, and sad, and depressed. I’m not quite to the acceptance stage yet, I’m resolved to never refer to him as “President” but I’m also not (seriously) planning to move to New Zealand or Sweden or The Bahamas. But I am closer to moving forward. There is work to do, and I will sign up for all of it.

I’m not ready yet to sound my battle cry, I’m still picking up the pieces. But, soon.

Soon.

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When life throws lemons, crawl under something sturdy and stay there

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That time when you knew you were falling to pieces, but you kept pushing on anyway, hoping that faking it would eventually lead to making it. It’s worked before, why not now?

Yeah. Not working.

I hit a major wall a few weeks ago, not a wall that led to the depths of despair, I can be surprisingly functional when everything is turning to shit. But the wall after things are starting to feel like they are headed in the right direction, and then suddenly everything is too overwhelming to even think about.

I can hardly convince yourself to get off the couch (or off the floor of the shower, my happy place where I do some of my best arguing / thinking / plotting / solution-izing). I just…can’t. I have been powering through for so long, I needed some time and space to be still. And the stillness takes priority over anything else: the gym, or painting, or yoga, or cooking something delicious, things I truly find joy in doing.

I’m listening to a time management book right now during my commute, and the idea of planning out my time sounds fantastic, I could get so much more done! With the right list I can fit in ALL THE THINGS that have been neglected! I decided to write a list of ideas. I love lists! I love checking things off lists! However, tonight I honestly spent 30 minutes sitting on the couch, struggling to write a single thing on that list. Not a damn thing. It seems productivity is just not in the cards for me just yet.

It has been kind of nice to be a little removed from the Rat Race. I have hundreds of unread notifications on Facebook (I can’t until after the election, I just can’t), I haven’t opened my feed reader in weeks even though I’ve missed catching up and peering in to your lives. I have, however, managed to cut down my Twitter feed considerably, and I figured out how to unsubscribe from Instagram stories.

So hey, actually, let’s give me a little gold star sticker for two pieces of productivity.

[insert sparkly gold star emoji here]

[yes, I am asking you to use your old school imagination because the idea of scrolling for the perfect, hilarious gold star gif is giving me anxiety….and anxiety about being awarded already-earned gold stars is the absolute opposite of the point of earning gold stars.]

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In which I realize, despite my best intentions, I am a complete and total stress case.

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Point Bonita California_feistyharriet_July 2015 (10)

Of late I have had a lot of stuffs going on in my physical and emotional life. This year (and last year) have been ones of complete upheaval and constant change; my anxiety levels are up, my stress levels are up, and I can feel myself starting to unravel.

Out of curiosity, I decided to take one of those online tests to measure the amount of stress in your life; not like, a Cosmo quiz, but a more legit one, from the American Institute of Stress. I’m sure there are questions about the scientific validity of such a thing, but I decided to do it anyway to at least give myself a good idea of where my stress levels were relative to that of a healthy, normal human.

So, you go through the list, count up all the points for things that apply to you for the last 12 months, and then figure out where your score falls.

  • 150 points or less: you are totally chill and there is very little chance that stress is affecting you in any serious way.
  • 150 – 300 points: you have some significant stress in your life, and, if you don’t take steps to chill the hell out, within the next 2 years it’s likely that you will suffer some kind of major health breakdown as a result.
  • Over 300 points: Uh, you have Issues, and also an 80% chance of having that major breakdown sometime in the coming months. Time to step back and reevaluate. Now. Reevaluate now!

My score: 642.

Basically, I’m a walking time-bomb of anxiety. Part of this I knew already, but I was legitimately shocked to see how high my stress levels were, and how long I’ve assumed it’s just normal to have that kind of anxiety and upheaval on a daily basis.

I wish I could tell you that since taking this quiz I’ve completely changed how I run my life to reduce my overall stress and anxiety…but that’s not true either. Being aware of my number is helpful, but truly, it’s only helpful if I use that awareness to do something about the ticking anxiety bomb in my chest.

I can’t do anything about the major life upheaval stuff except wait it out. I can’t un-move, un-take a new job, change some of the big pieces that have added stress and frustration and anxiety into my life. It is what it is, and I just got the unlucky set of cards to get all that stuff all at once.

But I’ve been doing little things that I hope make a difference:

  • I have been puttering around with my plants in the garden, I count 9 tiny baby cucumbers, I’ve already harvested kale for some salads, and the lettuce patch is growing nicely. I often think those little boxes of veggies are the only thing I love about being outside here (for the record, it’s still in the 90s everyday, which is 10-15 degrees too hot for my outside comfort. WHERE ARE YOU, WINTER!?).
  • I have been quite careful about what I put into my body for the last 6 months. I eat very little sugar or white starchy food, I don’t skip meals, and I drink lots of water. I also have treats every so often, I’m not living a diet of austerity, but I have tried to keep my blood sugars more even, and I hope that helps me keep balanced overall.
  • I have stayed far, far away from Facebook for weeks. I honestly don’t know if I’ll sign back on until after the election. I consume my other social media feeds carefully and try really hard to stay away from rhetorical tornadoes because I just cannot deal with so much blatant stupidity and ignorance. I’m sure I’ve missed a lot of lovely things as well, but until I have the bandwidth to clean up some of my feeds (block, unfriend, hide, block, block, block), I’m just going to steer clear.
  • I still go to the gym a few times a week, usually for about 90 minutes. I can’t actually tell a big positive difference when I go, but if I miss too many days in a row I get jumpy and antsy and the hamsters in my brain start reeling out of control. So, I gym.
  • I’ve been listening to audiobooks like it’s my damn job; 2 hours (or more) every day during my commute, plus at the gym, plus usually when I run errands as well. I listen to most books at double speed and am churning through them like crazy, three or four a week is pretty normal, plus the paper books I’m reading. It’s easy to escape into those pages and stories and characters and facts, and it helps keep my brain calm and focused instead of wandering and spinning without something to grab on to (or, whipping itself into a ragey frenzy while sitting in endless rush hour traffic. Audiobooks all the way!).
  • I try to make plans in advance and keep meticulous check lists. I have a constant grocery list on the fridge, right next to the menu list which is a complete meal plan for the week, including notes about what I need to take out of the freezer for the next day, or other prep. I keep a list for work tasks, one for household chores, one for blog post ideas, another for budget and savings requirements, and another for fun things I’d like to do or try, so if I have an hour I simply check the list and pick one instead of spending 20 or 30 minutes trying to figure out how to effectively use my time. Plans often change, and I’m not a super stickler on sticking to The List, but having that plan in place to start with greatly reduces the anxiety of figuring out where to start.

What do you do to keep yourself balanced? Do you think you have too much stress in your life? What are things that you feel you can legitimately drop? Must keep? How do you keep on adulting with too many things in your court and not enough time or energy to deal with them?

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Around, and around, and around

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Do you ever feel like you fluctuate between two opposite extremes? One day you want fuzzy slippers and leggings, the next some killer shoes and a sharp blazer that Stacy, Clinton, and Tim Gunn would swoon over. Or maybe one day you’re all about salads and lean protein, and then next it’s chips and guac, mac & cheese, and a bucket of ice cream.

Right now, I’m caught on this particular roller coaster, constantly swinging from side to side, with a few moments of contentment somewhere in the middle. One day I want a lovely back yard and garden (which are truly lovely, and I still love them) and the next I want to sell everything and spend my life wandering. Or I want a nice, stable, dependable job with state benefits and a reserved parking spot…but then I want to spend 3 years in a creative commune and, I don’t know, go hunting for berry pigments to turn into dye, or paint, or pie (I’m not entirely sure what happens at a creative artist commune, clearly.).

When I get knocked off kilter, it sometimes takes me a while of flailing around to find my center again. I feel like I can see where that center path is, but I keep missing it, criss-crossing it haphazardly, but slowing the pendulum swing…eventually I’ll find my feet confidently walking where I want them to be, and until then, I’m just trying to survive the ride.

It occurred to me in the last few days that I probably need to be on medication. Again. I have always dabbled around the edges of depression and for the last few years have also been fighting anxiety attacks and overwhelming moments of panic stemming from everyday situations. I’ve tried therapy and meds, and more meds and different therapy. And those things have all helped to some extent; but depending on how extreme and powerful the forces in my life…well…I think it’s time to up my meds.

 

 

I know that part of my issues of late have nothing to do with my brain chemistry, they would be shitty for anyone in my shoes. I also know that my particular brain chemistry sometimes needs a little boost to stay even. So, while I know my doc–who is well acquainted with my brain–wouldn’t hesitate to re-write me a prescription for something to help me manage my day-to-day; part of me wonders if that’s a cop out. Wonders if it’s my brain, or if it’s just the situation. I don’t want to be broken, but I also sometimes wonder if I’m gas-lighting myself. And then I remind myself for the umpteenth time that regardless of why, it’s okay to not be okay. And it’s okay to take meds, or go to therapy, or do whatever it is that works in order to get back to a place of feeling okay again. And when I, myself, try and convince myself otherwise…well, that’s not a very healthy behavior, now is it.

Oh, the hamsters in my brain, if you could only see and appreciate how they work, and how they work me over. It’s exhausting.

Harriet sig

 

Late Stage Adulting: Exercise, Nutrition, and Health

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I have a number of health issues–ribs and back problems, a MULTITUDE of problems with my lady parts that range from “irritating” to “so painful I’d rather be unconscious.” I have been battling various degrees of anxiety and panic attacks following a brain injury a few years ago which, finally, seem to be mostly under control (thanks, Science). I have had cancer chopped out of my skin and will undoubtedly have to deal with that again. Up until a few months ago I adhered to mostly healthy eating habits (but, you know, with cheese and brownies on the regular) but was still 45 pounds overweight. However, for the most part, I consider myself quite healthy. I don’t know if that’s wishful thinking or denial, but it’s the truth.

Now, with the exception of my weight, an annual physical would confirm that my blood pressure is good, my cholesterol lower than average, and my heart and lungs are clear and doing just fine. Hey, I even grew an inch this year!

However. As my weight continued to creep higher and higher, as my life became more and more sedentary, and my psyche more stressed…I knew I was deliberately ignoring my health. In a larger sense of health I was doing fine–no smoking or drugs, diligent sunscreen application, regular dental check-ups, and take care of my mental health, as well as working with my doctor for years to try and figure out and treat my lady-part issues. But in my day-to-day activities, I was not a recognizable “healthy” person. A few months ago I stepped on the scale and audibly gasped. 198 pounds! On my 5’7″ 5’8″ frame that puts me in a size 14. I’d been buying 12-14 pants/leggings and XL skirts for months, but seeing that 198 pounds on the scale, that was the catalyst. I finally decided to make a permanent change, and promised myself I’d stick with it.

I started going to the gym several times a week. I hated it.

I started buying and then eating more vegetables than any other food, and I stopped buying or baking sweets. I sometimes still devoured just-purchased pastries in my car, in secret, feeling guilty and sick to my stomach.

I made a goal to drink more water and less Diet Dr. Pepper (this is my most difficult health goal, to date).

I kept going to the gym, running a little faster, moving a little bit longer.

I kept buying vegetables, I planned entire meals around zucchini or cauliflower. I instigated scheduled treats, for legit celebrations. I stopped feeling guilty or ashamed about a slice of cake for a birthday.

I added speed intervals to my time on the treadmill, running a little faster and a little longer every week. I figured out it takes 75 minutes of an elevated heart rate for my “runner’s high” to kick in.

I started tracking calories and made sure to burn several hundred more a day than I consumed. I loved knowing the numbers for my inputs and outputs, it turned into a little game.

Slowly, my fluffy parts got a little less fluffy. I stopped craving chocolate and Kraft mac and cheese.

In the last couple of months I have lost 25 pounds, and kept it off. I can run a 5k in less than 35 minutes without wanting to die. I can do this by running a consistent 11-minute mile, and I can ALSO do it by running speed intervals as well. I eat veggies and lean protein almost every meal, limit fruit to a few times a week, and for the most part skip bread and sugar completely.

I am 33 years old and working towards a regular day-to-day health that I have never once possessed. And most surprising to me? I actually like it. I am stubborn bossy particular about how I frame this new version of my health.

I refuse to give up cheese or dairy.

I don’t like dancing in front of anyone, so Zumba is out-out-out and nothing you can say will change that.

I don’t eat chia seeds, or oatmeal, or green smoothies because I cannot stand the taste or texture and would rather just eat a salad instead of ruining pineapple or a banana with liquid spinach juice.

Without 90 minutes at the gym, my work-from-home routine will net me about 700 steps throughout the day. So, I go to the gym for 90 minutes to hit my 10,000 steps (thanks, Fitbit, you creeper). It is sometimes inconvenient and makes me disgustingly sweaty, but I do it anyway.

And here is the continuously most surprising thing: I have started to like this new routine. I like the veggie-heavy menu; I like spending 90 minutes at the gym (with an audiobook, I am not a robot). I do not miss cupcakes or sandwiches or nightly Netflix marathons. In fact, if I skip the treadmill for a few days I get antsy and irritable. Who am I?

I’m just me, but….healthier?

I am not sleeping better. My skin is not clearer or my hair shinier. To be honest, I’m not even entirely sure that I feel better on a daily basis. But, I know that my  heart and lungs are healthier, my brain hamsters are running themselves to exhaustion on a treadmill instead of round and around my head. And my guts certainly appreciate my mostly-whole foods menu.

I still have 20 pounds to go, and I imagine they will be harder to lose than this first 25, but I am hoping to be back to my “fighting weight” sometime this fall. What will I do at that point? Honestly, I don’t really know. I’ve thought of running a half marathon as a way to help me stay focused those last few pounds. But even if I don’t do that, I want to maintain this input (food) and output (burning calories) routine. And not because of my new pants size, and the section of “once upon a time” clothes in my closet I will be able to wear again. But mostly, because this daily change has brought about some more recognizable long-term health benefits that I have started to actually value.

I’ve been adulting for YEARS and am finally figuring out how to take care of myself. Hey, who knows what I’ll do next!

Harriet sig